What I felt I couldn’t talk about

[dropcap]C[/dropcap]urrently, (at time of starting this post) I am propped up on my pillows with the TV on in the background, bouncing from one draft post to another. I’m on the floor (of course) sandwiched between my cats. I have a bunch of things on my mind work wise and another bunch about the refurb. I’m hoping I get myself up on time to answer the door to the builder- hopefully not in my pyjamas. I’m thinking about my breakfast tomorrow- particularly a certain little acai bowl from Pret (so good!) I’m also thinking what it would be like not to blog anymore.

All my spare energy used to be poured into blogging. Only, now it’s not. I want to be a healthier me because and this is even difficult to type ‘out loud’, because it’s painfully personal, but I have been struggling with infertility. This whole year has been spent tackling my Polycystic Ovaries. The year before that, I was going through a nice rigmarole of tests with my GP. I have drugs to try first before realistically, going down the IVF route.

1 in 10 women have this condition- it’s an Endocrine and Metabolic disorder which can affect your ability to have a baby. I have small little clusters of cysts on my ovaries, that means sometimes I don’t ovulate and sometimes I don’t even have a period at all and for months at a time. There’s no straightforward ‘cure’ for PCOS, just a system of managing it. It’s like, to fix this, I have to fix that and to fix that I need to do this…it’s very frustrating and it’s hard to stay committed all the time.

Oh, and sometimes, it causes a stubborn little hair to sprout from your chin. Just a heads up.

Enforcing these lifestyle changes has been hard, and I now realise, hard on the blog. I was turning down most blog invitations- no more cocktail evenings, no more latest restaurant fads. I used to get PR emails along the lines of:

“Hey! Want to come down one evening and sample our fried-chicken-beef-dripping-double-nacho-cheese-steak-french-fry Burger Sushi Roll?”

I would love to. My body can’t. For a time, I considered putting this on auto-response on my email

“Many thanks for your kind invitation, but my body hates me and won’t make a baby. On this occasion, I will regretfully decline your delicious sounding food and drink, for the sake of my baby making health. My uterus thanks you also.”

Eventually, those invites stopped coming. I also pulled down sidebar advertising, because I didn’t like the pressure of making sure advertisers were getting their money’s worth- ooh the pressure! Bit by bit, I stripped the blog down ‘commercially’ and even though I feel like I’ve been left far behind in the blogosphere, I’m actually pretty happy with my content. I’ve loved sharing photographs and I’ve loved writing longer, ramblier posts (sorry)

I’ve never felt like this was something I could share properly on here- to the point I made a small side blog as somewhere to vent and rant- but I realised, if I could see the direction on here was changing, then so can everyone else. So, this has been my secret. I also felt weird sharing it because cool girls are not meant to want or like babies- I feel like we are all meant to be #GIRLBOSS #FIERCE #SLAY #WHORUNTHEWORLD

But even Beyonce had Blue Ivy. Wanting to be a mother felt like my dirty secret as if admitting this would revoke my London living membership.

I can talk about going to therapy, but talking about this makes me squirm. At least, talking about it out loud does. As ever, if you have any questions you can email me- I am a fountain of useless facts and knowledge, and some of that even includes Polycystic Ovaries stuff!

Author: Angela Shek

just a clueless mama in East London

21 thoughts on “What I felt I couldn’t talk about”

  1. Thank you for sharing this; it’s super important to talk about. Hormone imbalances are running rampant among us ladies, and it’s not okay. I wrote about a similar journey on my blog recently, and loved reading this.

    Check out Sarah’s Day on Youtube. She openly talks about her PCOS and how she went the natural route to overcome it. I believe she’s vegan, but she’s not a “preachy” vegan if you know what I mean.

    Xx Chantel (www.TheActiveSpirit.com)

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  2. The more people share this sort of story, the more I feel I can deal with my own PCOS dramas, so thank you for that. I totally want kids and it terrifies me that I might not be able to, probably to the point where I put undue amounts of pressure on my relationship to just get to it, even though I’m SO not in that place mentally or financially. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, and I hope that I can see you for a salad and tap water soon (although I might have a burger and vino)!
    Cx
    Charlie, Distracted

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  3. Angela, thank you for writing this. Too many people aren’t upfront about these things and it makes it so hard to admit, except maybe amongst close girlfriends, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with this most natural desire. I am about to start trying myself, having just got married aged 35, and I am scared it isn’t going to go to plan (and many friends are having problems). I don’t know if I could be as brave as this to admit it to the world if it doesn’t, but I really hope I will be. Wishing you the best of luck xx

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  4. Dude…I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, it sounds hard and exhausting and not at all fun. Well done for talking about it here though, you may have helped someone even more afraid of opening up about it than you are. You want what you want and no-one should ever feel they should apologise for what their heart desires.
    Sending all kinds of wonderful and not at all weird fertility vibes in your direction. Weird would be if I did a fertility dance dressed as you.
    M x

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  5. Big hugs. I’m nowhere near thinking about having baby(ies) yet, but the thought of what you are going through brought tears to my eyes.

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  6. Oh Angela, what a difficult thing to be going through. I cannot imagine how that feels, but you are doing so well to soldier on through all the hard times, and it’s so brave of you to be able to talk about it on such a public forum as well! Sending you virtual hugs and (hopefully) good news and positive times ahead X

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  7. Good on you for getting it out there… no shame sister! While I don’t understand that struggle, it’s so brave of you to do the things you know will hopefully be better for you and your body. And look around…. no one is going anywhere 🙂

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  8. Hi Chantel!

    Thank you- I’ll check out Sarah’s Day, I’m always up for hearing other’s stories, especially on the PCOS front. I’ve dabbled in vegan and vegetarian diets this year, so I’ll definitely be into what she says! x

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  9. Well done for sharing this!

    You shouldn’t feel ashamed or anything about sharing something like this with the blogging community at all – and stripping down your blog might have been the best thing for *you* even if it felt like it wasn’t. At the end of the day you need to concentrate on yourself and if having a baby makes you happy then stuff the blog, you make sure you’re healthy enough to do so above anything ❤

    Mel ★ http://www.meleaglestone.co.uk

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  10. When I was in my early twenties, I knew I had it, but thought I was alone in it. None of my other girlfriends had any issues, so in that way it was quite alienating. A decade later, I’m amazed how many of my friends have now been diagnosed with it or are having similar fertility issues- it has made it easier to talk about. I don’t have any advice or tips, since everyone’s cases are different, but being really persistent with your GP, or finding one that is sympathetic makes ALL the difference.

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  11. I do feel like a square peg at the moment! Many of my ‘real life’ friends are starting families which makes me feel like I’m left behind, and at the same time online the blogging community makes me feel like I shouldn’t be wanting ‘just babies’ and still feeling left behind! It’s a no win situation, haha. Sending you lots of luck (as on every Trying To Concieve forum I’ve read, ‘lots of baby dust!’) xxx

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  12. I can’t imagine what you’re going through Angela but the body works in weird ways – a friend of my had a lot of issues too then went down the private health care route and it worked out for them.

    Lots of positive thoughts your way!

    Hanh | Hanhabelle

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  13. Hey Angela, First off sorry it took me so long to leave a comment on this. I read your post on my phone at work and knew that I needed to comment properly when i had time to sit down and give it my full attention. I’m so so sorry that you and Robin are going through this. I know you’d spoken about changing your diet and lifestyle recently but I had no idea this was the reason behind it and I now feel terrible for being all ‘we’re having a baby’ lately. I think you are so brave for writing this and I really hope that you’ve got some therapy from getting it all out there as I know sometimes it totally helps to share with people who aren’t super close to you and ‘living’ it with you. My best friend went through nearly 4 years of infertility struggles and so having been by her side through that I know how unbelievably hard it is on a person (especially a woman), and how much of yourself you give to it. It pretty much consumed her life for a long time but the good news is that they now have a bouncing 6 month old baby boy, and I’m sure many others will tell you stories like that too so even though I can only imagine how difficult it must be, keep going and stay positive. I realise as a newly pregnant person I am probably the last person you want to hear telling you that and I hope you don’t think me insensitive at all. Knowing that people are going through things like you and what my friend went through was part of the reason I was so wary to share our news on my blog, I honestly did consider not writing about it at all but knew that it would be hard as soon as I started showing. I know that compared to a lot of couples, our road to pregnancy was fairly simple and you’ve reminded me to never take that for granted. Lots of love and hugs to you and Robin, and sending you lots of positive thoughts. If you ever need to talk or rant you know where I am, Jac xxx

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