My what I call, Miranda moment

It occured to me this morning, as I sat trapped in the toilets at work, that I was having yet another one of my wonderful could-only-happen-to-me Miranda Hart style moments. I can turn any normal social occasion into the most painfully awkward situation.

I wasn’t stuck in the loo because the lock was stuck. Far from it. I could have opened the door and walked straight out. No, no, I was stuck, because I suddenly realised I could hear three people outside the loo waiting for me to get out. The longer I stayed put, the more it dawned on me that oh my god they think I’m doing a poo. Let me explain. Every now and then, when I’m getting a little too irritable at the office and need a break to calm myself, I’ll shut myself in the toilet and read for about 10 minutes to bring me back to Earth. I thought they’d be able to use the loo next to mine, surely. I settled back onto the window sill, Kindle in hand, waiting for them to go quiet to signal their departure. Except they didn’t. Someone tried turning the lock handle…and  I set off the hand dryer in fright. What in the name of Buddha hell are they still doing out there?  Finally, when all was quiet, I seized the opportunity to escape. Except someone was still out there waiting, foot tapping, shooting me a dirty look. It didn’t help that I had my Kindle in hand, caught red handed like some middle aged man taking the newspapers with him to the bog. All because I didn’t want people to think I was in there doing a number two…

That’s not all. I’ve visited a ‘massage’ parlour by accident. Twice.

The first time I realised I had stepped into a dodgy massage parlour, a half naked Chinese lady was sitting on my back pummelling me with Johnson & Johnson’s baby lotion. We were on holiday in Malaysia at the time, and I had time to kill while waiting for my mum to appear out of the abyss that is the KLCC mall. Suspicious Masseuse Lady barked at me that I had a lot of knots in my back, and although in my head I was thinking stranger danger alert, like a typical Brit all I did was apologise. Why couldn’t I have decided to go with the fish spa? The moral of the story- always pick the dead skin foot nibbling  fish over cheap massages.

The second time was on home ground. After a whole week of a painfully stiff neck, I stomped the streets of Soho looking for the first massage therapist to relieve the pain in my neck. It looked legit when I walked in- lots of posters of acupuncture diagrams, the receptionist wearing a spa-like uniform…so I settled, face down, into one of those torturous looking posture chairs as she went to fetch the massage therapist. A painful 30 minutes later, I got out of the chair, looked up…and met my skimpy mini skirt wearing therapist! The moral of the story- there’s no such thing as a cheap massage.

So the next time I am caught wearing my t shirt inside out, or stumble over my own feet, or heartily shake someone’s hand when they try to air kiss me, or god forbid I find myself in another dodgy massage place, I’ll just chalk it up to what I call, another Miranda moment…

 

Such fun.

 

 

Author: Angela Shek

just a clueless mama in East London

16 thoughts on “My what I call, Miranda moment”

  1. Oh my gosh I’m literally LOL-ing. Not only do I love Miranda Hart, but I love everything you’ve written here. God, I’ve had so many of these type of moments myself. Glad to meet a fellow awkward (yet delightful) person.

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  2. Been there my friend, on all counts except the massage parlour! Thanks for brightening my day with your misfortune…and reassuring me that I’m not the only awkward soul in the world!
    M x

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  3. any time!

    I have ridiculous moments like this ALL the time. I should have added the time I was on holiday in Barcelona, on top of the Sagrada Famillia, when a German man travelling on his own motioned for me to take a picture of him. For whatever reason on this Earth, I interpreted this that he wanted me to take a photo WITH him. So I gave his camera to my friend, walked up to him, threw my arm around his shoulders and gave it my best cheesy grin. It didn’t hit me until later that he meant for me to take his photo….Somewhere in Germany, some man has a picture of him and a strange girl, on a Sagrada Familla ‘date’.

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  4. Stop it ! You are killing me !! How many awkward moments can you collect ?! I hate public loos too especially at work. I won’t do a number 2 at work, far too awkward. But if I had to, I would die if someone was hovering outside. I have even considered that I would flush all the toilets just so know one would be able to tell which cubicle I had been in so I couldn’t be blamed for any smells ?! Weird, but true.

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  5. Ha! Too funny. The work loo is my safe place too. You almost wish you were doing a poo just so you didn’t look a bit odd with kindle in hand! x

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  6. I actually laughed out loud at this. I adore Miranda Hart and these moments are hilarious. The massage parlours, oh goodness!

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  7. Bahahaha this is actually amazing!

    I’m always SO conscience of the amount of time spent in the loo – it’s an obsession that I need to get over!

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